Waves

Sometimes
Somehow
Life falls away
And it’s time 
It’s time

I want to say something
And I want to say it with someone else
So here we are
Thanks for coming to listen

I’ve found that I’m not really in control
And I really try to be
But I’m happiest when
I try not to be in control

But do I deserve it
Have I completed my duties 
And have I earned this moment
Of no control


The music plays and I feel
The rain falls 
My life swirls around me and my head tries to find a calm eddy

If all existence around me is waves
and it is
And two waves in synchronous motion in our infinite world are likely enough
And that is what I live 
a likely but improbable synchronicity
Then. . .

If our seemingly ordered progression through life
Is the rise and fall of waves in motion
And my choices are the luxury of my consciousness
My rationalization a glimpse of the waves to come
My choice comes at the moment of my understanding of how it will go
Then. . .

If all I seek is what I will have
Then all I fear is. . . 

The rain drops fall
And the pattern of ripples is expected
And incomprehensible

I know what will happen, but I don’t know how it will be

by Evan Carroll, 6/17/2023

-

Honest Work

Truth
honesty
honest work
where, what is the most righteous?
what is it
that we can derive all meaning from?
all sense of purpose

That feeling of knowing
I am of value to others
They need my time
My work
My existence

honest work
performing the direct task
making of what wasn’t
art uniquely human
joining minds in an effort
service to a person
the power of satisfaction

always the same
the angry take action
the thoughtful think and write
politicians argue
scholars espouse
and honest work continues

We're all so specialized
all the stress
from trying to get to someone else to do
what we don't know how
more satisfying to know how
to do it myself
to have the time

the great equalizer, money
the great conversion
has failed us
Pitting time against possessions
Ecology against warmth
Bodies against industry

I reject the power of money
or cringe in its presence
the deal with the devil

facing another and connecting
doing honest work next to another
these bonds
are they the only true social contract?
the only place where society is real?

religion offers that sense
of affirmation next to another
singing
praying the same prayer
I love singing with others
unison of emotion
just theatrics?

So much work erodes
collaboration but separate
deprived of the
comradery, the challenge
of real people
and honest work

Cars isolate
trapped inside
personified emotionless heads
judging without knowing
the person inside
without knowing
the bond from walking next to them
in the same direction

when does the leader
soothe us into feeling a fake comradery?
when do they truly create it?
Do they ever?

Honest work continues
No matter what swirls arounds us
Sanity comes from the work
honestly

by Evan Carroll, 4/8/2026

-

Angry White Boy

I never understood angry white boy rock
I never learned to distrust my elders
lucky obviously
naive probably
did as I was told
Never told not to be myself

sailing along
seeing a world of opportunity
and beauty
and love

I never hungered for angry white boy rock more than I do now
always knew to question assertion
could never bring myself to question the motive
A person's mistake is just a mistake
not a reflection of their soul
and where does that faith put me now?

just sailing along
seeing opportunity too often
but beauty
and love

What have all these fuckers done for my boys' world
my own white boys look at me with trust
what have I done? where does this lead them?
I can't say that:
faith and love for those near you weaves trust, saves the world
can only say: it's how I get by

sail
see
love
wait

I saw a life of possibility
opportunity squandered for the white boy who had it easy
just getting by
I'll be damned if this is all my boys get
a failing world that I once believed in
Doesn't seem to bother them at all

sail far
maybe you
and your beauty
and love

by Evan Carroll, 4/7/2026

-

Skin

By Evan Carroll

My boy's hand

Breached in secret

Below the skin

The out-of-body

It entered

And now shows

Red boils peeling

Virus oh virus

Under his taught skin

Pools, festers, waits

And erupts from boils

Of unnatural sludge

Over his sincere efforts

To love life as it is

His skin will hold

His skin will hold

My love's eyes

Blaze sincere

Hold me safe

From a world unknown

I bank this gaze 

Into faith

Edging out room

For doubt oh doubt

Under my soft skin

Pools, festers, waits

And erupts from boils

Of unnatural sludge

Over my sincere efforts

To make a good life

My skin will hold

My skin will hold

The truth exists

Not frail but steadfast

We know

We all know

We search to find

A proven truth

That governs all

But lies oh lies

In our real world

Pool, fester, wait

And erupt from boils

Of unnatural sludge

Over our sincere efforts

To see life as it is

Our skin will hold

Our faith will hold

We wouldn't live

As we do

Without our faith

In truth, discovery

Belief in bonds

We must believe

For without

The deceit below

In our stretched world

Pools, festers, waits

And erupts from boils

Of unnatural sludge

Over our sincere efforts

To discover life as it is

Lies are not of this world

They're not of this world

Truth is the glue

Our time here is real

Nature is truth

laws unwavering

Cells obey laws

Forces that don’t lie

Searching reveals truth

But deceit oh deceit

Insincere intentions

Pool, fester, wait

And erupt from boils

Of unnatural sludge

Over our faithful efforts

To see this life as it is

Our hearts will hold

Because they must

Our wonderous skin

Regenerates, heals

Soft and supple

Alert and constant

Touches others

Wards the virus

But offers nothing

Faced with ideas

Ideas of harmony

Dreams of conquest

Erupt from our mouths

Pooling in our minds

Equality misogyny

Justice and peace

Ideas are not truth

But we have no other way

-

My top Albums List

I've been wanting to pull together a list of my top albums for a while. I was finally inspired to do it because of how much I've enjoyed SABLE, fABLE by Bon Iver. It didn't make it that high on the list, but it's on there. This list is based on what albums I return to and listen all the way through. I'm sure I left out ones that should be on here.

Grace

I've been listening to the Ezra Klein Show a lot lately. I listen to it as a podcast, but there's also the YouTube Channel.

I'm finding that almost every time I listen to an episode, I want to share it with someone, but it's really hard getting someone to listen to a 1-hour (plus) podcast and have them get back to you for conversation. I'm hoping maybe you (whoever you are) will listen and get in touch. At least now I am having a conversation with myself about it and also with you, even if part is in my imagination.

Today I listened to an interview with Sarah McBride, and it was GOOD. Sarah was talking about her experiences as the first trans congressperson, among other things. She was explaining how essential it was for her to act with grace.

Grace was common theme in their discussion, in politics and in conversation and discourse. As they were defining it, grace is meeting those you disagree with using empathy, curiosity, and faith in good intent. Grace is the discipline to keep a composed self-respect in the face of the ingenuine or the hateful.

As I think about it, grace comes from our internal self-identity, not from the surface. If grace isn't used with a strong sense of self, it comes across in other ways; condescendence, fear, submission, or despair.

Grace is a word that I never used, yet I know now think of it as a major part of my best self. It is the way of a good bartender and of a good architect. Jobs where you have to assume the best of who you're working with; look for the good intent.

I (still) believe that all people want to do good. We all tell ourselves how we do good for those around us. We all ultimately draw a line between the people we do good for and those we don't, but we don't all feel the same way about drawing or recognizing that line.

I think I believe that all people understand the reason for grace. If two strangers were isolated in a room together, they would look for common ground in their conversation. They wouldn't want to separate themselves from the only person they were with. Grace is the willingness to look for the commonality in another person; to assume it's there.

By contrast social media interactions don't provide room for grace. Grace gets little up/down reaction on social media and thus is invisible there. You can't convince someone who disagrees with you that you have a lot in common if you focus on what is not in common. 

Jumping back to the real world, if you don't feel like you have anything in common with someone you can't work together on things you both care about. This can be further extrapolated...

I'm officially old. The first posts on this blog predate most modern social media. Maybe that's why I enjoyed Ezra and Sarah's conversation. 

Jerome's! Another chapter.

This blog performed its most important function 18 years ago when Sasha read parts of it before our blind date. She decided it would be good to get to know me. . . :) Compared to that there's not much to say, except that we're still finding ways to keep our adventure interesting.

The boys are 9 and 11 now and much more independent than they used to be. That's why it has been a good time to open a bar!

We are partnered with Ian Daly, who Sasha worked with at the House of Music. Jerome's is a casual sports bar with a slant towards board sports, New England pro sports teams, and a healthy dose of music. It's such a comfortable place, and we're having a great time!

Thanks to all our friends and family who have helped us to get this done! C'mon by and say "hi"!

www.instagram.com/jeromesofportland

www.jeromesofportland.com

Pardon. . . it's been awhile.

In my last blog I posted, "I'm a father!" Two years after J was born, S was born. Now J is four and S is nearly two. It's probably safe to say that I'm a different person now, though I couldn't tell you how. I'm fairly certain that I'm also very much the same person. Having a family has been affirming, creating more clarity than conflict. We have set up our life intentionally.

The family is not all. . . Bild Architecture is now over five-years-old with two others working with us, another family to nurture. It's certainly hard to find a balance, if there is one, but I think we're finding it.

While there's no question that I must be an adult now, I still think about what I want to be when I grow up. I find myself thinking about music more and more often. This is a funny thing because I have both a stable, productive career, and minimal instrumental skill. Still, music continues to play a major role in our family. Many of our outings involve listening to live music, which the boys love, and plenty of our time at home is spent listening and dancing. The boys both enjoy mucking around on the keyboard and drum-set that we have, and it seems at least possible that they share some of the joy that I find in melodies, harmonies, beats, rhythms, lyrics and syncopations.

I'm finding I have much to put down here, and I'll just have to tie it together later. This past spring my grandmother, my brother-in-law and my best-friend's father passed away. It hurt, and it still hurts unexpectedly, but the boys and the firm didn't go away. They still need me. When I think of them (that we lost) I feel responsible. . . for making the best of my life.

I'd like to get back to doing this. (blogging) This blog is part of how Sasha "found" me, reading it before our first blind "date"; a meet up to consider being roommates. After that meeting we started dating. If taking the time to write did that once, maybe there's more yet to come.

I should mention that I probably wouldn't making the post if it were not for the new Bon Iver album, 22, A Million. It seems to have captured that part of my mind that was yearning to be thoughtful and reflective. The songs on 22, A Million seems to capture the feelings of nervousness, fear, and uncertainty in a way that is resolved, not hopeless. To me, that feels a lot like life: sketches of unexpected feelings that (when we're lucky) contribute to the notion of hopefulness. Not hopefulness for a certain outcome, but hopefulness that we will find a way, persevere and make something of it all.

I'm a father!

This changes everything. My last post, a year ago, was about my friends incredible band, and now I have a son named after that friend.

As I type, he is here in my arms, this little person who is half me. He is beautiful, adorable, cute, handsome, and a treasure to be able to watch grow every day. He has changed my perspective: I look back at life before him and wonder if I might not have been a mechanical trick, only to become a real man on the day of his birth.

He inspires me to be more than I've ever been and to see the world through his eyes. I now see the future not only through my own perspective, but through his, whatever that may be. I look at him and see that my every action will be something for this little man to learn from.

Perhaps all of this is rather commonplace for new fathers, but it's the biggest thing that has happened in my life; how am I supposed to think of my actions in the same way? Well here's how: if I can make the world just a little bit of a better place, than I know at least one person who will benefit from my efforts for longer than I am able to do so.

It's not just that I'm inspired to make the world better for him, but also the hope that if my son sees me full of hope for a better world, for change; if he sees me with a faith in humanity, perhaps he will be able to make more of it all than I have been able. I hope that I am able to pass on at least a little of my naive optimism that that one person CAN make a difference, and each member of humanity IS in their heart trying to make a better place for those they love.

I now get to see the world through my son's eyes. What a gift this is, to have a glimpse into innocence again. Innocence is where our hopes and dreams are born. They are born in a place without fact, fiction, right or wrong, in a place where raw experience allows us to imagine new experiences. Our inspiration comes not from KNOWING for sure what is true, but from learning of a possibility and then imagining the step after that.

Now as I experience the world anew with my son I see every moment as one in which he may find new inspiration. My home, my city, my friends and family are now going to work their way into each of my son's senses and into his understanding.

Here's where I want to express gratitude. Gratitude for the life that our family has, that we now get to share together. There has been outpouring of love from our friends and family towards us and our new son. We've had visitors, phone calls, gifts, cards and home cooked meals showered upon us. So many people we love and care about, weaving a web of love and support around our son. Our neighborhood, and our city provide   this family with acceptance, tolerance, diversity, and community. We are not a lone family with our own web of support, but one among many here in Portland.

I now understand why we've made our life in the way we have. We've done it for our son.

Sunset Hearts New Album: Haunted Cloud

My good friend, Jesse, has been in a band for a YEAR now called Sunset Hearts. Sasha and I first saw them at Slainte sometime last year, and we were immediately won over and excited! This is good music that is very well put together!

Last night was the CD release party of the first Sunset Hearts CD, and they put on a great show!

They are also on the front of this weeks Portland Phoenix, in a article that reviews the new album. (see article)