half a man

"but wait!"
heads turn to look.
"it turns out
he's just a scared bully
he's good on the inside!"

the gathered UN assembly stares.
the woman who spoke
in her authoritative suit.
the passionate look on her face.

they stare at her subject.
a world leader 
who doesn't see them 
as equals in influence
thus they
and their countries
are not equals 
in humanity.

this top decider 
who fails to believe he
like all of us
can do no more
than try to be his best
in each moment.
sees his inner compass
as weakness
as vulnerability.

"he doesn't know"
thinks the page
standing in an alcove
"that he's only half a man
that he can only 
be half a man
half a woman.
all of us 
are only half
of what we can be.

the page thinks of conversations
with his father.
his father was there for him.
supported and encouraged.
put family first.

his father always felt
he had more to give the world.
art, thought, discovery, something.
paths not taken
unfulfilled dreams, potential.

he thinks of his grandfather
who searched for true love
a second time.
Who ran out of love
for his own children.

he thinks of his uncle
teaching, happily married.
two great kids
a shaped life
a tempered life of quality.

he looks down at his own hands.
he is a page at the UN
friends with wonderful passionate people.
in an amazing city
wide open for absent true love.

he thinks of his brother
his best friend
aspiring, searching as well.
they talk often
trying to find meaning & purpose.

the page reflects
what it means to be a man
the give and take.
how his father taught him
the pursuit of one thing 
leaves behind another

the best you can do
is to juggle.
when it's all said and done
you're only half a man.
the other half
is in your imagination
aspirations, doubts, regrets, dreams.

the page watches
this leader who thinks
he can do it all.
He who thinks 
he can be a full man.
Who is just half blind.

most of the delegates here
have the same delusion
but even they know 
this bastard is different.

the page looks 
at the woman who spoke.
knows she is right
In a way.

another scared bully with good intentions. 
he too, sees her smirk.
this horrible joke 
has been played on us all
through the ages of humanity.

the delegates recover
from their initial shock.
"what's the point?"
they wonder
"if this idiot is good inside
I'll waste my life 
searching to see."

"there's only so much time.
I give it to those 
who give back.
can anyone 
this sure of themselves 
have any faith left for humanity?"

by Evan Carroll, 4/24/2026

Waves

Sometimes
Somehow
Life falls away
And it’s time 
It’s time

I want to say something
And I want to say it with someone else
So here we are
Thanks for coming to listen

I’ve found that I’m not really in control
And I really try to be
But I’m happiest when
I try not to be in control

But do I deserve it
Have I completed my duties 
And have I earned this moment
Of no control


The music plays and I feel
The rain falls 
My life swirls around me and my head tries to find a calm eddy

If all existence around me is waves
and it is
And two waves in synchronous motion in our infinite world are likely enough
And that is what I live 
a likely but improbable synchronicity
Then. . .

If our seemingly ordered progression through life
Is the rise and fall of waves in motion
And my choices are the luxury of my consciousness
My rationalization a glimpse of the waves to come
My choice comes at the moment of my understanding of how it will go
Then. . .

If all I seek is what I will have
Then all I fear is. . . 

The rain drops fall
And the pattern of ripples is expected
And incomprehensible

I know what will happen, but I don’t know how it will be

by Evan Carroll, 6/17/2023

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Honest Work

Truth
honesty
honest work
where, what is the most righteous?
what is it
that we can derive all meaning from?
all sense of purpose

That feeling of knowing
I am of value to others
They need my time
My work
My existence

honest work
performing the direct task
making of what wasn’t
art uniquely human
joining minds in an effort
service to a person
the power of satisfaction

always the same
the angry take action
the thoughtful think and write
politicians argue
scholars espouse
and honest work continues

We're all so specialized
all the stress
from trying to get to someone else to do
what we don't know how
more satisfying to know how
to do it myself
to have the time

the great equalizer, money
the great conversion
has failed us
Pitting time against possessions
Ecology against warmth
Bodies against industry

I reject the power of money
or cringe in its presence
the deal with the devil

facing another and connecting
doing honest work next to another
these bonds
are they the only true social contract?
the only place where society is real?

religion offers that sense
of affirmation next to another
singing
praying the same prayer
I love singing with others
unison of emotion
just theatrics?

So much work erodes
collaboration but separate
deprived of the
comradery, the challenge
of real people
and honest work

Cars isolate
trapped inside
personified emotionless heads
judging without knowing
the person inside
without knowing
the bond from walking next to them
in the same direction

when does the leader
soothe us into feeling a fake comradery?
when do they truly create it?
Do they ever?

Honest work continues
No matter what swirls arounds us
Sanity comes from the work
honestly

by Evan Carroll, 4/8/2026

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Angry White Boy

I never understood angry white boy rock
I never learned to distrust my elders
lucky obviously
naive probably
did as I was told
Never told not to be myself

sailing along
seeing a world of opportunity
and beauty
and love

I never hungered for angry white boy rock more than I do now
always knew to question assertion
could never bring myself to question the motive
A person's mistake is just a mistake
not a reflection of their soul
and where does that faith put me now?

just sailing along
seeing opportunity too often
but beauty
and love

What have all these fuckers done for my boys' world
my own white boys look at me with trust
what have I done? where does this lead them?
I can't say that:
faith and love for those near you weaves trust, saves the world
can only say: it's how I get by

sail
see
love
wait

I saw a life of possibility
opportunity squandered for the white boy who had it easy
just getting by
I'll be damned if this is all my boys get
a failing world that I once believed in
Doesn't seem to bother them at all

sail far
maybe you
and your beauty
and love

by Evan Carroll, 4/7/2026

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Skin

By Evan Carroll

My boy's hand

Breached in secret

Below the skin

The out-of-body

It entered

And now shows

Red boils peeling

Virus oh virus

Under his taught skin

Pools, festers, waits

And erupts from boils

Of unnatural sludge

Over his sincere efforts

To love life as it is

His skin will hold

His skin will hold

My love's eyes

Blaze sincere

Hold me safe

From a world unknown

I bank this gaze 

Into faith

Edging out room

For doubt oh doubt

Under my soft skin

Pools, festers, waits

And erupts from boils

Of unnatural sludge

Over my sincere efforts

To make a good life

My skin will hold

My skin will hold

The truth exists

Not frail but steadfast

We know

We all know

We search to find

A proven truth

That governs all

But lies oh lies

In our real world

Pool, fester, wait

And erupt from boils

Of unnatural sludge

Over our sincere efforts

To see life as it is

Our skin will hold

Our faith will hold

We wouldn't live

As we do

Without our faith

In truth, discovery

Belief in bonds

We must believe

For without

The deceit below

In our stretched world

Pools, festers, waits

And erupts from boils

Of unnatural sludge

Over our sincere efforts

To discover life as it is

Lies are not of this world

They're not of this world

Truth is the glue

Our time here is real

Nature is truth

laws unwavering

Cells obey laws

Forces that don’t lie

Searching reveals truth

But deceit oh deceit

Insincere intentions

Pool, fester, wait

And erupt from boils

Of unnatural sludge

Over our faithful efforts

To see this life as it is

Our hearts will hold

Because they must

Our wonderous skin

Regenerates, heals

Soft and supple

Alert and constant

Touches others

Wards the virus

But offers nothing

Faced with ideas

Ideas of harmony

Dreams of conquest

Erupt from our mouths

Pooling in our minds

Equality misogyny

Justice and peace

Ideas are not truth

But we have no other way

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My top Albums List

I've been wanting to pull together a list of my top albums for a while. I was finally inspired to do it because of how much I've enjoyed SABLE, fABLE by Bon Iver. It didn't make it that high on the list, but it's on there. This list is based on what albums I return to and listen all the way through. I'm sure I left out ones that should be on here.

Grace

I've been listening to the Ezra Klein Show a lot lately. I listen to it as a podcast, but there's also the YouTube Channel.

I'm finding that almost every time I listen to an episode, I want to share it with someone, but it's really hard getting someone to listen to a 1-hour (plus) podcast and have them get back to you for conversation. I'm hoping maybe you (whoever you are) will listen and get in touch. At least now I am having a conversation with myself about it and also with you, even if part is in my imagination.

Today I listened to an interview with Sarah McBride, and it was GOOD. Sarah was talking about her experiences as the first trans congressperson, among other things. She was explaining how essential it was for her to act with grace.

Grace was common theme in their discussion, in politics and in conversation and discourse. As they were defining it, grace is meeting those you disagree with using empathy, curiosity, and faith in good intent. Grace is the discipline to keep a composed self-respect in the face of the ingenuine or the hateful.

As I think about it, grace comes from our internal self-identity, not from the surface. If grace isn't used with a strong sense of self, it comes across in other ways; condescendence, fear, submission, or despair.

Grace is a word that I never used, yet I know now think of it as a major part of my best self. It is the way of a good bartender and of a good architect. Jobs where you have to assume the best of who you're working with; look for the good intent.

I (still) believe that all people want to do good. We all tell ourselves how we do good for those around us. We all ultimately draw a line between the people we do good for and those we don't, but we don't all feel the same way about drawing or recognizing that line.

I think I believe that all people understand the reason for grace. If two strangers were isolated in a room together, they would look for common ground in their conversation. They wouldn't want to separate themselves from the only person they were with. Grace is the willingness to look for the commonality in another person; to assume it's there.

By contrast social media interactions don't provide room for grace. Grace gets little up/down reaction on social media and thus is invisible there. You can't convince someone who disagrees with you that you have a lot in common if you focus on what is not in common. 

Jumping back to the real world, if you don't feel like you have anything in common with someone you can't work together on things you both care about. This can be further extrapolated...

I'm officially old. The first posts on this blog predate most modern social media. Maybe that's why I enjoyed Ezra and Sarah's conversation. 

Jerome's! Another chapter.

This blog performed its most important function 18 years ago when Sasha read parts of it before our blind date. She decided it would be good to get to know me. . . :) Compared to that there's not much to say, except that we're still finding ways to keep our adventure interesting.

The boys are 9 and 11 now and much more independent than they used to be. That's why it has been a good time to open a bar!

We are partnered with Ian Daly, who Sasha worked with at the House of Music. Jerome's is a casual sports bar with a slant towards board sports, New England pro sports teams, and a healthy dose of music. It's such a comfortable place, and we're having a great time!

Thanks to all our friends and family who have helped us to get this done! C'mon by and say "hi"!

www.instagram.com/jeromesofportland

www.jeromesofportland.com

Pardon. . . it's been awhile.

In my last blog I posted, "I'm a father!" Two years after J was born, S was born. Now J is four and S is nearly two. It's probably safe to say that I'm a different person now, though I couldn't tell you how. I'm fairly certain that I'm also very much the same person. Having a family has been affirming, creating more clarity than conflict. We have set up our life intentionally.

The family is not all. . . Bild Architecture is now over five-years-old with two others working with us, another family to nurture. It's certainly hard to find a balance, if there is one, but I think we're finding it.

While there's no question that I must be an adult now, I still think about what I want to be when I grow up. I find myself thinking about music more and more often. This is a funny thing because I have both a stable, productive career, and minimal instrumental skill. Still, music continues to play a major role in our family. Many of our outings involve listening to live music, which the boys love, and plenty of our time at home is spent listening and dancing. The boys both enjoy mucking around on the keyboard and drum-set that we have, and it seems at least possible that they share some of the joy that I find in melodies, harmonies, beats, rhythms, lyrics and syncopations.

I'm finding I have much to put down here, and I'll just have to tie it together later. This past spring my grandmother, my brother-in-law and my best-friend's father passed away. It hurt, and it still hurts unexpectedly, but the boys and the firm didn't go away. They still need me. When I think of them (that we lost) I feel responsible. . . for making the best of my life.

I'd like to get back to doing this. (blogging) This blog is part of how Sasha "found" me, reading it before our first blind "date"; a meet up to consider being roommates. After that meeting we started dating. If taking the time to write did that once, maybe there's more yet to come.

I should mention that I probably wouldn't making the post if it were not for the new Bon Iver album, 22, A Million. It seems to have captured that part of my mind that was yearning to be thoughtful and reflective. The songs on 22, A Million seems to capture the feelings of nervousness, fear, and uncertainty in a way that is resolved, not hopeless. To me, that feels a lot like life: sketches of unexpected feelings that (when we're lucky) contribute to the notion of hopefulness. Not hopefulness for a certain outcome, but hopefulness that we will find a way, persevere and make something of it all.

I'm a father!

This changes everything. My last post, a year ago, was about my friends incredible band, and now I have a son named after that friend.

As I type, he is here in my arms, this little person who is half me. He is beautiful, adorable, cute, handsome, and a treasure to be able to watch grow every day. He has changed my perspective: I look back at life before him and wonder if I might not have been a mechanical trick, only to become a real man on the day of his birth.

He inspires me to be more than I've ever been and to see the world through his eyes. I now see the future not only through my own perspective, but through his, whatever that may be. I look at him and see that my every action will be something for this little man to learn from.

Perhaps all of this is rather commonplace for new fathers, but it's the biggest thing that has happened in my life; how am I supposed to think of my actions in the same way? Well here's how: if I can make the world just a little bit of a better place, than I know at least one person who will benefit from my efforts for longer than I am able to do so.

It's not just that I'm inspired to make the world better for him, but also the hope that if my son sees me full of hope for a better world, for change; if he sees me with a faith in humanity, perhaps he will be able to make more of it all than I have been able. I hope that I am able to pass on at least a little of my naive optimism that that one person CAN make a difference, and each member of humanity IS in their heart trying to make a better place for those they love.

I now get to see the world through my son's eyes. What a gift this is, to have a glimpse into innocence again. Innocence is where our hopes and dreams are born. They are born in a place without fact, fiction, right or wrong, in a place where raw experience allows us to imagine new experiences. Our inspiration comes not from KNOWING for sure what is true, but from learning of a possibility and then imagining the step after that.

Now as I experience the world anew with my son I see every moment as one in which he may find new inspiration. My home, my city, my friends and family are now going to work their way into each of my son's senses and into his understanding.

Here's where I want to express gratitude. Gratitude for the life that our family has, that we now get to share together. There has been outpouring of love from our friends and family towards us and our new son. We've had visitors, phone calls, gifts, cards and home cooked meals showered upon us. So many people we love and care about, weaving a web of love and support around our son. Our neighborhood, and our city provide   this family with acceptance, tolerance, diversity, and community. We are not a lone family with our own web of support, but one among many here in Portland.

I now understand why we've made our life in the way we have. We've done it for our son.

Sunset Hearts New Album: Haunted Cloud

My good friend, Jesse, has been in a band for a YEAR now called Sunset Hearts. Sasha and I first saw them at Slainte sometime last year, and we were immediately won over and excited! This is good music that is very well put together!

Last night was the CD release party of the first Sunset Hearts CD, and they put on a great show!

They are also on the front of this weeks Portland Phoenix, in a article that reviews the new album. (see article)

World Dance Class (by my mom!)

My mom is going to be teaching this International Folk Dancing Class. She is a great teacher, and the dances are athletic and fun to learn. You can expect to learn a bit about the culture surrounding each dance as well!

WORLD DANCE/WORLD MUSIC

Enjoy the fun, exercise, and challenge of learning traditional dances from diverse world cultures. 

Learn dances from Greece, Croatia, Armenia, Israel, Bolivia and more! Experience unique rhythms, engaging music, and a wide variety of dance styles, and formations. Dances range from energetic to calming; contemporary to ancient. 

Each week you'll learn new dances, step-by-step, and review dances already learned. These traditional dances are for both men and women, are multi-generational (ages 14 and up), and do not require a partner or prior dance experience. Dress comfortably (you will sweat) and bring non-street shoes to change into. 


WHERE: Avant Dance Event Center, 865 Spring St, Westbrook, ME
(easy access from Rts 95 & 295)
WHEN: Thursdays 7:00-8:00 PM for 4 weeks, starting 9-15-11, Second 4 week session starts 10-20-11
COST: $35 for 4 classes (if paid at first class) OR $10 drop-in
CONTACTS: 
WEB: www.avantmaine.com
E-MAIL: kcarroll2@gmail.com
PHONE: Kathleen Carroll, instructor, at 856-6415

Information Overload!

I just was shown three very interesting things all at once!

• The proportions of Porches! Walking and socially interacting with people spontaneously is just the kind of thing that helps us to trust the world around us. Trusting our world decreases anxiety, fear and suspicion. that's my take on it anyway.

• MEAT Just read it. You'll enjoy it.

• Federated Properties This is a HUGE project planned for Portland. I'm curious to see if it happens. I'll save my commentary for another day.

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What do I live for?

I wrote this on May 12th but didn't feel comfortable posting it. Please consider reading the blog of my brother-in-law, Bogart. He inspired this entry.

On my most motivated days I live for a chance to make the world a better place where humanity can coexist with nature.
On my least motivated days I live for a home cooked meal and a cold beer in the back yard.


When I'm feeling loved I live for the chance to have and raise my own children with Sasha.
When I'm feeling unloved I live for moment when I can sag into loving arms and just belong.


Every day I live for the change of the seasons.
    I live to experience the brisk wind and the warm sun in the Fall.
    I live for the warm Summer nights that smell like an amusement park.
    I live for the blooming of lilacs, peonies and lillys-of-the-valley in Spring.
    I live clear snowy nights under a full moon.


I live for every family member, every person and everything that has made me who I am.
However much time I have, I hope that I'm making the most of what has made me.
I am too specific to be an accident, as we all are.


I live for the chance to do something better today than I did yesterday.
When I don't succeed at this, I live because I'll have another chance tomorrow.


I live for those exquisite moments of bliss in listening to music.
I live for the chance to create something beautiful.


I live for the adrenaline of competition.
I live for the comradery of being on a team.


I live for the confidence that being married has given me.
I live for the chance to be the boost that Sasha needs.


I live to make my place in the world, however I do it.


I hope that by my living I can be an example.
I aspire to live like those I most respect.


I live because I can overcome all.
I live because I am nothing, and yet by living I can become something.

I live because I cannot wait.

I live because I must let it be.

I live because then there will be a story to tell.

Portland Mayor: Questions from an Architect

As Portland moves closer to the "Portland Mayoral Choose-Fest" I'm putting on my professional hat and thinking about questions that need answering.

• Do you believe that increased regional planning can benefit the business climate or health and wellbeing for the businesses and residents of Portland? Why or why not?
• As mayor, how much power will you have to increase efficiencies in the many permitting processes that new and existing businesses face in Portland? How will you use your given powers for the maximum effect?
• Portland is a city that depends heavily on its image to attract a complex group of tourists from art critics to foodies to leaf peepers. How does the built environment contribute to this image? Does the city benefit from contemporary architecture?
• What can architects and contractors do to help you and your goals for Portland?
• Are there creative solutions for filling all the empty commercial lease spaces in Portland?
• What is one way that the city and the creative economy can work together TODAY to help promote Portland to the world at large?
• Portland is a mixed use city. Where is this working well and where is it NOT working well?
• How does Portland continue on a path of economic development without making the city too expensive for its residents?
• What is your vision for how the streets of Portland might look different in 20 years? In 50 years?

Do you have any questions for our future mayor? Post them here!

Killer Joe and Architalx

Last Thursday Sasha and I went to two great events, and YOU all still have a chance to experience them!

First, we went to Architalx. If you've never been, it happens on Thursdays all April, and it's likely to be our only chance (in Portland) to hear "famous" architects talk about their work each year.

On Thursday we heard from Alan Organschi, who does fantastically fluid work with wood. I loved the Firehouse. It was a tough program with a wonderful solution that transcends the word "solution."

Our second event of the evening was Killer Joe, a play that is showing at Space during April. If I see no other theater this year, I will be happy that I saw Killer Joe. Space is an intimate venue that has led me to feel quite spoiled about seeing live theater. No audience member is more than 20 feet from the stage.

The script is a black comedy that takes no mercy. Watch what a "desperate" family will do for extra cash and how wrong it can all go.

The cast did an excellent job, with a return to Portland acting by Christopher Reiling, who was last seen on the Space stage for Speech and Debate. Chris's brings another character to life with a caricature that is too human to be dismissed as JUST a caricature. I was also excited to see a performance by Brian Chamberlain again. I last saw him on the screen in A Very Careful Man done by my friends David Miller and Charlie Simmons. Brian, the villain, is riveting. It's hard to hate him, and yet, he is evil.

I would encourage anyone who thinks they have perspective on humanity to see this play!

MAST, the ZOOM Bus, and LD 673

I've been working with other members of MAST to promote LD 673, submitted by Representative Bradley Moulton of the York, Maine area. This bill would offer a significant improvement to the regional transportation infrastructure of Southern Maine.

In a nutshell, this bill would: (click here to read the bill)

• Expand the existing ZOOM Bus route to go from York, to Augusta.
• Require the MTA to turn over 3% of  its operating revenue for use on non-turnpike Maine roads.
• Fund the installation of wifi on all ZOOM buses to encourage transit use as a more productive way to travel.

I made this poster to be used to promote the bill:

You can download the poster here.







Some thoughts from others on LD 673:

• Tux Terkel of the Portland Press Herald wrote this on the proposal.
• Christian Milneil wrote this great op.ed. on the subject
• The Conservation Law Foundation has posted this blog on the proposal.

Please consider telling your Maine legislator to support this bill!

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PSA Featured Member

I have been enjoying my involvement on the Portland Society of Architects Advocacy Committee. Recently as part of being on that committee I was able to be the facilitator for an informal chat on contracts and project delivery methods used in the construction industry. It was a great experience and I learned quite a bit.

Even more recently than that, I was chosen to be the PSA featured member. Here's the write-up:

Evan Carroll grew up in Westbrook, Maine and attended Roger Williams University, receiving a BArch in 2006. At RWU Evan was a radio DJ, ultimate (Frizbee) player and a capella singer. Evan minored in music, studied abroad in Florence, and worked with professors as a tutor and on a statewide wind energy study.

While attending RWU Evan summered at home in Westbrook and took the bus into Portland for jobs with Pizzagalli Construction, the Portland Museum of Art, and Port City Architecture. The positive experiences with summer jobs and desire to be near family brought Evan back to Maine after graduation.

Evan is now married to Sasha Salzberg, and they live with their two cats and a dog in a house they own in East Bayside. To entertain themselves Evan and Sasha write, make art, do photography, dance, enjoy the outdoors, are music scenesters, and interfere with local politics.

Recently, Evan has been on the Westbrook Planning Board, the Executive Board for Hugh O’Brian Youth Leadership Maine (HOBY Maine), the Steering Committee for the Maine Alliance for Sustainable Transportation (MAST), the Pecha Kucha Board, and the PSA Advocacy Committee. Evan has just completed his AREs and is now officially a Maine Licensed Architect.

Evan and Sasha have high hopes for their involvement in the future of Portland. They love the creative, collaborative atmosphere fostered in Portland and see many opportunities for the city as a creative Mecca in the future.

Evan hopes to help Portland become a more livable city by continuing to advocate for thoughtful transportation planning on all scales as an integral part of the built environment. Evan believes that his role as an architect is to look inward at how spaces shape peoples’ lives and outward at how the built environment shapes society.

You can see the write-up on the PSA website here.

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Pecha Kucha

Sasha and I have now been on the Pecha Kucha Portland Board for a few months, and I have to say that Pecha Kucha is one of the best creative forums that there IS right now. If you're not in the Portland area, look Pecha Kucha up, as there is probably one near you.

The goal of Pecha Kucha is to get a lot of creative people together to share their ideas and images. Its set up in a super condensed format where there are TEN presenters in an evening, and each only gets 6 minutes and 40 seconds (20 slides for 20s each).

The event is truly a blast and its been an honor for us to help with the curating process. Below are the images that Sasha and I presented when we were emcees for the Portland Pecha Kucha this past Fall. There is no audio for this one, so it might not make a lot of sense.



Sasha and I also presented at PK last winter about Food Art! (This one has audio!)

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Flowers. . . in review.

I recently was talking to a friend about flower pictures, and thought I would show some!